That piñata really had it coming

My friend Locke and I were hanging out, drinking pure grain alcohol (190 proof, 95% alcohol) as we usually do, and were getting into various sorts of trouble in my apartment.

I didn’t really remember much the next day.

Me “Yeah I think I blacked out somewhere around 9:30 PM or so.”

Locke “That was right around the time when you decided to end the world.”

He proceeded to tell me about how we were chilling on the couch, watching YouTube videos or something, when out of nowhere, I get up and grab one of my piñatas off my shelf. Yes I had multiple piñatas. This one in particular looked almost exactly like the image you saw at the top of this story.

I don’t remember ANY of this, but apparently I started slamming it on the floor until pieces began breaking off. Then I grabbed my baton (I had a real, metal, retractable rod designed for police use) and beat the shit out of it on the floor with that.

It’s not like I was trying to open it. There wasn’t even any candy in it or anything.

He watched in horror as I then decided to pour some grain alcohol onto the piñata, grab my lighter, and set the thing up in flames.

Eventually the fire I had started was starting to get out of control, because OBVIOUSLY of course setting a fire in the middle of your living room isn’t going to turn out well.

My solution, instead of dousing it with water, or covering it with a blanket to snuff out the oxygen… yeah, I didn’t do any of that shit. I picked it up and threw it out the window.

I threw a flaming piñata out of my apartment, onto the street below, from five stories up.

The whole time Locke is telling me this story, I am laughing my ass off. I just couldn’t contain myself. I’m not excusing this behavior though; I could have killed someone, or quite easily set half the neighborhood on fire. We were stationed in a literal fucking desert country.

Locke described my actions as “basically terrorism.” Cross that off a bucket list somewhere, I guess.

For legal reasons or whatever, I won’t go into too much detail, but the owners of the building I lived in found out about it, and they were NOT PLEASED WITH ME.